I am a man so I guess my thoughts are naturally skewed towards a peculiar paradigm, chauvinism. Mind you, I am no chauvinist and chivalry at all times is my buzzword. However, I’ll wade surreptitiously into this murky creek in order to decipher in converse whom a man ought to act like and the character his thoughts ought to take after in the quest to keep his most ‘prized possession’ – his woman, who may be displeased and thus lost the will to hold on to that bond. I place much emphasis on the word CONVERSE because this literary piece is a parody to the acclaimed BESTSELLER and multiple award winning “help-me-fix-it” relationship book (manual) Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment by ace Comedian, Actor, Radio Show host, Motivational Speaker and bestselling Author Steve Harvey which exhorts women to act like ladies but think like men.

“Jeepers!” I know most men would want to make a run for it now after our cover was blown by the ‘traitor’ Steve “big-lippy” Harvey; but hey! Wait a minute… the guy just did us a great favour. Now we can work as a team as the quest to understand each other has been given a major boost. One of the main reasons for wanting to be with our women is because we want to share wonderful times together, make each other happy, be serviceable and efficient as possible, and most importantly being loyal to the love of our life and working assiduously to honour our word which invariably is our bond.

Harvey said “nothing on this planet compares with a woman’s love – it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional.” Any objections to that? Do I see a hand raised? Uh-huh, that’s more like it; a thumb’s up rather in recognition of an undeniable fact. It’s obvious and unanimous – nothing compares to a woman’s love. I know the feeling. It is awesome. It is pristine. It is unmerited. It is simply LOVE.

Harvey struck the dagger where it hurts most, in the heart of the matter when he rappelled skillfully down the canyon with his sweet prose which could prick your ego when you’re conceited. He pings… “if you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time of demand. If you’re her man, she’ll talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you – I mean really loves you? – she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on to your every word even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and keep right on trying to win over your heart even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s ‘The One’ is just not good enough. That’s a woman’s love – it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstances.” I know it’s hard to believe this and you unconsciously gape in awe with your eyes rolling in its sockets as you ponder these words. “Does she love me this much? Even me? After all the mess? Gosh I don’t deserve her love.” Well bro, exactly so, you don’t deserve her love but that wouldn’t prevent her from loving you anyway. And yes, definitely you because her love is unconditional and would not embark on a hiatus away from your presence.

The idea of saving the cookie until the ninetieth day is quite interesting. It is thought that the sweet taste of the cookie could become very addictive and therefore become grueling for a kid to maintain self discipline – thus in order for the kid to earn the cookie he has to grow into a man (maturity) before he could freely ‘ravish’ the cookie. I find Steve Harvey’s stirring analogy of the factory worker’s three month probation subsequent to imminent hire or fire method very brilliant as it succinctly expatiates the essence for self denial and discipline before lovers could let go of their guards as they pry into the labyrinth of conjugal pleasures which ideally is a preserve for married couples meant to uncover it during their honeymoon.

One facebook acquaintance of mine posted an update on her wall about the disenchantment of newly-weds towards the hitherto much-looked-forward-to honeymoon trip. She humorously suggested that perhaps all the honey embedded on the moon’s territory had probably been sucked dry and left bare in an uninhabitable state.
I just smiled slyly and wondered to myself when I could take my drilling machines to the moon’s rig.